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December 29th, 2004

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05:56 pm - boredom becomes me
eeeeeeeeeeee I haven't written in a hot minute. I don't really know why I'm writing now. Partly because there is so much on my mind that I feel like it's going to start coming out of my ears but mostly because I'm so bored that I have to do something or else I'm going to fall asleep at work. I work 6 hours today and so far I've had like 3.2 customers. I don't even know why we are open now. No one wants BJs in cold weather. When I worked on Sunday, I figured out that they lost $1.28 just by having me on the schedule.

I don't feel like updating on what I've been doing. Same old same old. Managed to escape my first semester at UF with a 3.5 GPA. High five to me. I don't usually write personal stuff in here unless I'm drunk but I feel like anyone who even reads this anymore won't even know what I'm talking about. You don't want to click that link, trust me....

John has consumed my life lately. And by lately I mean the last 8 months which is slowly turning into 9 and then 10 and then I won't be able to remember when I was just me and not me with him. We aren't even together. Get over it Alicia. I swore that I wouldn't fall in love with someone. Not that you can help who you fall in love with or when it happens but I told myself to not get caught up in something that I don't have control over. I hate being the vulnerable one. I refuse to let myself get hurt, although I'm sure it's way too late for that. I have never met anyone in my entire life who understands me like he does. For those who know me well, you know that I'm a pretty weird person. My mind feeds off randomness and goofyness. I am really a 5 year old at heart. I never thought I would be able to find someone that I could share these thoughts with, let alone someone who feels the same way. We've gotten to the point where we finish each other's sentences on a regular basis. John and I talk on the phone for at least an hour a day, I went and stayed with him in Ft. Myers for a week, I went on vacation with him and his family for Thanksgiving, and whenever he comes to Gainesville, he stays at stays at my house. And although until recently, we hadn't even discussed our feelings for each other, it was just kind of an unspoken knowledge that we liked each other. Well, I felt it necessary to let everything out about 2 months ago. I got extremely drunk and told him that I loved him and that I wanted to date him. We discussed it soberly the next day and he told me that he cared for me but he just couldn't be in a relationship now and that we should just see how things turn out. Well, I accepted that but every day it bothered me more. About 3 weeks ago, I was finally to the point where no matter how much it was going to hurt me, I was just going to cut all ties with him and move on. I started realizing that almost a year of my life had gone by and I had nothinto show for it. Not only was I still not in a relationship with John, I had passed up the opportunity to possibly be in 2 or 3 relationships with other guys that I had met. Well, everything changed right when Christmas break started. John got drunk one night and called me and told me that he had talked with his family about me and he realized that he loved me and that he cared about me so much and how he couldn't stand to not have me in his life. Ever since then, things have been so different, well, kind of. It completely changed my mind about not talking to him but at the same time, I was still very confused because even though he was still telling me he loved me on a regular basis, he said he didn't want a relationship. He came to Gainesville 2 days ago and stayed the night. We had a great time but got into a little argument right before he left. He still has issues with his ex girlfriend, who happens to be how I met him, used to work with me, and now lives a block away from me. She hates that he talks to me and they are trying to remain friends so he doesn't tell her anything about us. He called her while he was here to say hi and didn't mention that he had came to see and stay with me. He said he was just in the neighborhood for the day and he had stopped by my house to say hi and he was going to do the same with her if she was home. I can see his side because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings with information that he doesn't feel is necessary for her to know but at the same time, I feel like he's hiding her from me. I think he just needs to get over it. People break up and move on, then they get into new relationships. That's just what happens. So, the topic of us not dating was brought up again. I know that it's hard for a long distance relationship, plus, he is going to law school in a few months and there's a good chance that it won't be in the state of Florida. He told me that he understands if I need to stop talking to him because he's not giving me much to go on. He said that he doesn't feel like having a title is necessary and that all of the important people in his life, like his family and close friends, know all about he and i and how he feels about me. He thinks that anyone else doesn't need to know our business. And he thinks that because of the distance currently and the possibility of him moving away to school, we should just keep things how they are and see what happens in the future. He told me that he was already in a serious relationship where he started basing his life decisions on that relationship and he feels that if we start dating, he will like me even more than he does now and he will start changing his life because of me. (like going to law school at UF instead of USC, where he wants to go) I'm trying to hard to figure out what to do. On one hand, I feel like the idiot that is just sitting by, waiting for him to decide he wants to date me, when it's probably never going to happen. But on the other hand, there is something keeping me here. Something inside of me is telling me to just be patient and this one is worth waiting for. I just don't want 2 or 3 years to pass by and suddenly realize that a large part of my life has just gone by and has been wasted on me waiting for something that will never come. I know the old saying "If you love something, let it go, if it's meant to be, it will come back to you" but at the same time, I just finished reading this book about soulmates and it says that a lot of times, people meet their soulmates but get impatient because the other doesnt reciprocate immidiately. So, they get tired of waiting and pass up the one chance to be with their soulmate. If it's right, the other person will soon realize this too. Ugh I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I wrote this. It's ridiculously long. And in the time since I started writing, I have had one customer. Sometimes it helps just to get everything out of your system. I'm the worst person at expressing my emotions and I don't like bothering others with my problems. So, I end up keeping them bottled up inside and they somehow end up pouring out, usually when I'm intoxicated. I wish I could see into the future and know what's going to happen.

Okay, this is enough. I've updated enough today to last me a few months.

(4 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:December 30th, 2004 05:43 am (UTC)
Alicia, first off, welcome back :) I've missed you on LJ!! Secondly, we LIKE to read about whats going on with you, so you should never hestitate to update. Now, the John situation, thats a real TOUGH one. I wish I could offer some hardcore advice, but I can't. When it comes to guys, I tend to be a little pesimistic. OK, if calling you his gf is just a title and he knows that its important to you, so then why not call you his gf if its no big deal? I would have also been really upset if he lied about being with me to his ex. I dont buy his reasons for not calling you his gf.. but then why in the world wouldn't he want to be your "boyfriend"? I dont know.
[User Picture]
Date:December 30th, 2004 01:43 pm (UTC)

he's just not that into you

you need to read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." You don't even really need to go out and buy it, there are excerpts on the web. read the book.
[User Picture]
Date:January 7th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC)

Re: he's just not that into you

ahhh i was about to post this exact same comment. that's a GREAT book.

p.s. i missed ya alicia!!
Date:February 27th, 2005 04:37 am (UTC)

let him go

You should break it off before the wound gets deeper. What if he did go to UF and it didnt work out at all? U would feel guilty and he would resent you if he stayed for just that reason. Also if he is still hung up on his ex then I would stay away regardless. For all you know he could be telling her the exact same thing he is telling you everynight on the phone. Besides if you are ment to be then in a few years he will graduate law school and relize how much he misses and loves you and you will get back together ect. Meanwhile you could miss out on someone that gets you even better and isnt afraid to call you their "girlfreind".

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